Here I sit all broken hearted......

I understand system wide delays for weather.

I understand a last minute maintenance issue that delays you at the last minute.

I understand delays for all flights in and out of a particular airport.

What I don't get is a 3 hour delay that is known about 6 hours before the original scheduled departure.

So now I'm sitting in a bar at Sea-Tac 2 beers in (OH OH, THEY MAKE THE SAM ADAMS TURBULATOR GLASSES IN 22 OZ VERSIONS!!!) seriously cutting in to the time I get to spend at my house this week. And since I am back out on Sunday, this is a bit of an issue. But, what can you do? It is what it is.

The following is NOT, I repeat NOT, an April Fools Day Prank. That would make my life too easy.

Other than that....I got to go through the porno scanner this afternoon instead of the x-ray. I'm standing between two big blue boxes on the the rubber mat with two little blue boxes where my feet go, hands over my head with my fingers outstretched, thumbs touching the top of my head like little moose antlers. (I'm not making this up). I was given firm instructions from the Top Shit Authority officer, who could have been my grandmother 15 years ago, sweet little old blue hair, (VERY intimidating), not to move when I feel my pants start to slip. Now, let me explain. I'm a little portly, a little rotund, pleasantly plump, or in the immortal words of R. Lee Ermy, "A DISGUSTING FATBODY!". I by pants a little big in the waist. but then they slip down under my gut and I belt them tight. It's not a perfect system, but it's my system. However if you remove part of that system (i.e. the belt), things may start to slip. So I was faced with a dilemma. Grandma is facing away at this point, listening to her little ear bud. I decided not to violate the command of a federal officer. Suddenly everyone in security sees exactly what the remote operator is seeing, but in FULL COLOR instead of black and white. Sure glad I didn't wear my elephant trunk underoos today. She turns back around and I get a "OH DEAR!!" I respond innocently, almost tearfully (totally laughing my ass off on the inside", "YOU TOLD ME NOT TO MOVE" she responds "Roger, Clear." Not sure if she was talking to me or not so I stand there for a couple more seconds until she blurts out, "You're clear, you're clear!" I hitch up my dignity and hitch up my drawers, grab the offending belt, my shoes, jacket and computer and stalk off. I almost made it out of security before I started giggling out loud, albeit under my breath. Almost made it too the tram to the S gates before I was laughing to the point of tears. Now, I'm sitting in Cascades in the S satellite chuckling as I write this. I think the sweet little old couple (guy has to be a midwest farmer) think I'm either drunk or insane. Meh.

I got to go back and see many of the places I used to hang out here in Washington. Took pictures to show the wife but I guess I can post some of them here. Lucky you. It's like the old lady in the middle seat who wants to show you wallet photos of her grandson Billy (little prick).

.

My Apartment (lower left apt)

My Home (3rd seat from the left end of the U shaped bar)

Deception Pass Bridge       

                        Pass Lake (fantastic lake trout fishing)

10" Rifle at Fort Casey (fantastic U-boat fishing)

Admirality Head Lighthouse

Greatest Attack Aircraft EVER at the Boeing Museum of Flight

Greatest Attack Aircraft and the Greatest Radar Jammer EVER on the turnoff to NAS Whidbey

The safe on Air Force One where the Nuclear Football was kept

John F. Kennedy (and others) Shat upon this throne.

So that's it for this little jaunt into my sick, sad, world (ooooh, a Daria reference). Join me next week when I head for California's wine country. With my boss. Ought to be......interesting.

Until next time, keep your stick on the ice and remember, were all rooting for you. Now join me in the recitation of the Man's Prayer:

Lord, I'm a man.

But I can change.

If I have to.

I guess.

Thank you Red Green

SLC to SEA

Well, blog day 2, trip number 1.

With pictures.

In TECHNICOLOR!!!!

The Puget Sound has its own special color palate, green and grey. Green trees, green moss, green lawns....and everything else grey.

See what I mean?

But that's not why you are here is it? Let's talk about the important part, how I got here.

So, the pantie sniffers were using their "lets look at everyones butts in black and white" machine today. So security was a special sort of Hell. I cannot express just how little respect I have for TSA. While waiting for 3 of them to pause their conversation about NCAA brackets long enough to give my drivers license the 3rd degree, not boarding pass mind you as I use the iPhone version and apparently they are not allowed to touch your phone, I started looking at the multitude milling around. Where the Hell do they get these people?!? I have seen more professional looking people serving coffee at Denny's!! And to work at Denny's I'm pretty sure you have to have a tattoo of at least one star on your neck, or a rose on your left boob, or at least one teardrop in the corner of your eye! These jack-offs are Federal officers??? And who exactly is Bertha the 300lb asthmatic supposed to be able to take down (except me I guess)?? Eh, it's OK. I'll protest by packing my dirty underwear, inside out, in the very top of my suitcase on the trip home. Every time I find one of their little love notes in my bag on a return trip it makes me giggle. So I'm a sick bastard. Sue me.

I had a little over an hour to kill before boarding today. So, I decided to get my shoes shined! There is something absolutely fantastic about an airport shoeshine. First, and I guess this stems from my military days, SOMEBODY ELSE is shining my shoes! Oh, lets not kid, I didn't shine my own boots when I was in. Well blackened the regulation read! And thank goodness for patent leather dress shoes! Second, you are sitting on a throne far above everyone else, looking down at the top of their pointed little heads (the effect is magnified at SLC concourse C with its sloped ramp), while a small man with a weak grasp of English attempts to make small talk as he's rubbing brown goo on your feet....wait, what? Lastly, it's kind of like a foot rub with snapping towel sounds! So, here are the results!

Looking pretty damn good!

Afterwards, I needed food. Squatters in the C concourse is kind of my standby, but I decided to branch out today. Not far of a branch mind you as there are only 3 restaurants on that particular concourse but a branching none the less. Soup sounded good, so I ordered a bowl of the Butternut Squash. The soup came out and I thought to myself, "Self, who serves Butternut Squash soup with tortillas in it?" I proceeded to pick out the floating goat cheese on top (another clue....) just as the counter help came running out saying "I gave you the wrong soup!" An honest mistake, except for the fact that THERE WERE ONLY TWO CHOICES!!!!! 50 / 50 chance of actually getting my order right and they blew it. Even if you take size choices into account, the had a 1 in 4 opportunity to get it right just on raw statistical chance. Sigh, who says service is dead in America.

The flight was pretty much unremarkable, which in and of it's self is pretty damn remarkable! As far as I can tell, Delta Connection has absorbed two regional carriers, Sky West and Masaba. Sky West, after years of mediocrity, is pretty good to fly. CRJ's (900 today, hello first class!) and relatively decent service. Masaba, on the other hand, is pretty much the in air version of Greyhound. No, wait, that's not fair to Greyhound. The flight attendants are, as far as I can tell, TSA rejects. Surly, arrogant, rude, with an average weight of about "oh my god, you just made the aircraft roll 4 degrees by moving from one side to the other!" Nothing quite like having blue polyester stretched tight over the bulbous ass of a bad tempered sky Nazi sliding across you arm because she can't fit through the aisle without turning sideways. And I really believe that they intentionally ram people with the cart just for fun. I cringe every time I'm booked on a Delta Connection flight east of Colorado!!

Now on to the car. I have just started using National Rental Emerald Aisle service since starting with my current company, after years of using Avis and Hertz. I LOVE IT. You walk past the counter and its associated lines, and pick the car you want off the aisle. Today I grabbed a Jeep Grand Cherokee. I want one! I think that it will be the next car I buy for the wife!! But the service!, No boards (AVIS and Hertz), no god awful lines (Hertz), just grab it and go, checking out at the exit gate. Highly recommend!

Finally, hotel. And this will be a recurring theme, Hampton Inn. Not super fancy, but you know EXACTLY what your going to get.

 This is the second time I have stayed in this Hampton Inn and nothing remarkable to say about it. No blood stains on the floor or dead hookers in the closet, but no Italian marble wet bar with complementary Jack and Diet either.

So the particulars for this trip

SLC - SEA
Carrier                Delta Connection        8/10
Class                  First
Equipment          CRJ 900
Seat                   2A

Rental Co           National                      8/10
Class                  Emerald Aisle
Equipment          Jeep Grand Cherokee

Hotel                 Hampton Inn                7/10
                         Bellingham Intl Airport
Room                441



Well, there it is, my first official trip summary. Let me know if I should keep this thing going or if I'm just wasting my time!!

If not, then see ya next week on the SLC - OAK Napa/Fresno/Walnut Creek adventure!

Heres wishing you no turbulence and lots of complementary drinks!

P.S. One last shot I took while driving up here. I took Chuckanut Drive from Mt. Vernon to Bellingham. If your making the drive, its day, your not in a hurry, and have the choice between I-5 and Chuckanut, take Chuckanut! It's a two lane that winds up the coast. Little oyster houses and scenic pull offs all the way up. It's gorgeous. Both the pic at the beginning of this post and this one were taken on the drive today.

You're a whiney little thing, aren't you?

I travel.

A lot.

I bitch.

A lot.

Surprisingly enough, I don't bitch about travel a lot. I actually enjoy the travel.

It's all the other bastards I have to share my on the road world with that I can't stand!

I often post real time on social networking sites about the funny little things that happen to me while I am interacting with said bastards is semi-real time.

On a recent flight, one of my best friends suggested:

 "You should start writing a travel blog. It would be hilarious to hear of your adventures and your uniquely cynical take on them."

J, be very careful what you wish for!

So here we go. You will get to experience the joys of modern business travel with me. There will be a LOT of bitching about the blue shirted airport monkey groping pervert semi-cops who just want to see me in black and white, backscatter X-Ray, naked glory (TSA agents should have to speak English as a FIRST language to work in US airports!!), observations on particularly nasty flight attendants (with names if I can get em), reviews of hotel rooms, cars, flights, food, etc, etc.

For example:

One of my bigger pet peeves in life, not just on the road, is a total lack of common sense in the generation of rules and regulations. I understand fully that many of these rules are put in place to protect us from ourselves, but some thought should be put in to the implementation.
As in:
Before a plane can push back from the gate, flight Nazi's pace up and down the aisles in there jack boots and brown coats (disguised as sensible flats and blue pantsuit uniforms) ensuring that every single solitary jackass with a heartbeat, including yours truly, has buckled their seat belt low and tight across the hips. The plane will not move until this check is complete and they have reported back to the flight crew (these guys I have REAL respect for and I am truly jealous of their jobs, damn FAA taking my medical away and such). Now, as the plane pushes back from the gate and begins to taxi to the active, they spend approximately 5 minutes describing, then demonstrating, how to buckle my seat belt. Um, the fact that THE PLANE IS MOVING proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, defensible in any court of law, that I had, in fact, figured out the use of my seat belt completely without your assistance, description, or demonstration. Now, give the seat belt extender back to Shamu and fetch me a Jack and Diet! (look, I'm 6'1" and weigh 250 and I don't need the thing, so if you do, put the burger down and back away slowly!) This is not just Delta (whom you will figure out pretty quickly is the airline I fly the most, being in a hub city and all) but all of the airlines. Hey aging mattress back Barbie, perhaps you should have been explaining the procedure to the uninitiated before we started moving instead of hiding behind the curtain in the galley sipping your Schweppes Tonic Water. And why is the overhead light not working? No, I'm not so deficient that I can't figure out how to push the button. See, no one else's is working either. OH, YOU FORGOT HOW TO PUSH THE BUTTON UP FRONT!! Who feels like a dumbass now? And where is my Jack and Diet?


Now, in preparation for landing, please bring your seat backs and tray tables to their full upright and locked position and ensure that all electronic devices are in the off posi <static>